Friday, July 12, 2013

Accepting Inadequacies

It takes a lot of introspection for people to even recognize inadequacies.  It takes frail self esteem and a biochemical problem for people to take those inadequacies and explode them to unrealistic perceptions of ones capabilities.

I have long wished I could be one of those people who don't even think of themselves in terms good enough at something or not even.  One of those people who are great at everything they try.

I wonder if those kinds of people even exist?  If they do, what do they do for a living?  Do they have families?  Are they taking some other kind of medication that I am not even aware of?  How easy is it to get your hands on such a drug...cuz let me tell ya, I could do with a healthy dose of "I'm fucking awesome thank you very much and every thing I touch turns to fucking gold."  Yes sir.  I could do with that right...about...NOW.

So for someone who struggles in dealing with significant change like I do, I have to admit I love it at the same time.  I can't imagine a life wherein each new day was remarkably similar to the last.  I can't stand monotony.  Love adventure.  But I have my limits, and I fear I may have opened up flood gates to where I've invited more than I can control into my personal space at work.

My old boss (the one who once represented most of my trigger issues that related to a 14 month stint on medical leave) was also the one who took it on the chin hard enough, that when I returned from Mat leave and was dealing with a sick child, he stood up for me, and protected me, and basically made things much better for me.  He got hit from all sides while I was out on medical and maternity leave, and well, I guess he realized I wasn't his worst enemy - and that meant I was no longer his victim.  I never fully trusted the man again, but I think the best reasoning for that was that I now knew where he kept the knife he'd use to stab people in the back.  You live, you learn is the expression...and I learned to watch the knife closely.  I learned how to duck and weave, like any good boxer.  I studied my opponent so I could better succeed in going the next round with him in the ring.  At the same time, his level of protection was leaving my days pretty empty and unfulfilled.  After a while, this gets dreadfully boring, empty and meaningless...I get restless and need visceral change to keep me focused/interested.  So...

Well, he's left the company and moved on to bigger/better things.  And that means I've been re-aligned to someone new.  My first order of business was to beg "Please God, give me something cool to do!"  Historically, she and I have been very friendly, but it's a completely different management style.  I know there's a knife in her arsenal, she's not afraid to use it, but I have no idea where she keeps it.  Seems too, that several of the people on her staff also have them, and use them often.  They're sharp, miniature knives, and their particular brand of torture is more like leaving little nicks in your soft side as you walk by through the veils of their cloaks.  Make it worse, these people are many cases, smarter than me.  So I need a new survival mechanism, and I'm floundering with not having figured it out.

In the old arrangement, my strengths were noticed, and accepted, and my weaknesses were noted without being highlighted, as were everyone else's for the most part.  You had to be REALLY annoying to be called out for your inadequacies, and generally, if they were that obvious, they were likely related to communication skills or poor etiquette.

In the new arrangement, it seems as though everyone may be aware of both strengths and weaknesses, but they are far more likely to point out the weaknesses.  Whether this is in the interest of assisting others to grow, or to take advantage of the opportunity to shine - I think the jury is still out.  And so, the more I try to better myself and elevate my once dumbed down and severely softened communication style to something more direct (what I was accustomed to doing say 15 years ago) to meet with the communication style largely in use by my new teammates, the more I seem to recognize that I've allowed myself to "dumb down" full stop.  I feel absolutely out-shined and overshadowed by others ability to communicate, process information, and poke holes in "everything".  And the fact that "everything" is up for grabs and "everything" is scrutinized with a fine tooth metal comb, is wearing on my nerves.  Probably because I'm rusty from being bored for so long, and likely too, because I've signed myself up for stuff that's a bit outside my comfort zone already.  Add scrutiny on top of that and well, it's making me feel absolutely inadequate, in way over my head, and wishing I had a Joe know, one where very little thinking is required - one that requires repetitive action and minimal focus.  One that I can shut off at 4 pm without giving it a second thought.

I just wish I knew what parts of my perception were physically real and what parts were fictitious strings of brain chemicals and anxiety based coping mechanisms making everything seem a million times worse than they potentially are.  I think it's time to make a dr's appt before it goes too far.  Anxiety attacks are on the rise for me...and time to meditate and exercise have been absorbed by new projects at work...bye bye coping mechanisms, hello depression.

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