The Big Difference

I saw a meme on Facebook that caused an epiphany for me.  It`s a great quote, but I don`t know who actually wrote it to give proper credits, but it`s too true not to pick up.

"The hardest part of my job each day is being nice to stupid people."

It's definitely not a nice thing to say, but it's one I know I've muttered too many times in the last 20 + years.  In fact, many years ago, some colleagues and I admittedly would take our coffee breaks at a coffee shop across the street from our work and compare the idiocy we'd had to deal with that day in competition for a completely fake award we dubbed the "dummy trophy".  Also, I'll confess as I write this, I recognize (as I likely did way back then) that this is far from "nice", but inevitably and very truthfully, it's the only visibly safe way to cope with some of the things smart people can be faced with in day to day life.

Which is kinda where my epiphany plugs in.  The general population learns in high school science class that every action has an equal reaction.  Simply put, EVERYONE knows that if you do something like push a ball, it will roll away.  Not rocket science.  It's basic logic.  And THAT's what differentiates the really smart people from the, shall we say, not quite as smart people.

Really smart people realize that there is not just simply an equal reaction, but that there are two equal reactions - one positive and the other negative.  Using the same ball example, when the ball rolls away, you no longer have the ball and must chase it in order to roll it again, OR risk losing it forever.  On the flip side, clearly you can be entertained by the rolling ball, you can analyze it, you can even potentially watch the ball bounce off of or be redirected by the things that impede it's path.  In every action, there is a risk and reward decision that must precede it.  That's why smart people have angst - and probably why the genius have gotten over their angst in not giving the negative reactions any power over the positive ones.

So I'm far from any declarations of "genius".  I'm far too angst riddled for that.  And my angst centres directly on the fact that I recognize that by every decision/action I take, I am both sending positive and negative messages, and that I honestly have no control over which message resonates loudest for the receiver of it.  It's also why I am constantly at odds with my job.  My job is not soul filling, nurturing or making the world a better place.  I get paid well to do a good job that makes other people filthy rich.  BUT, I make damn good money that keeps my family fed, healthy and living a good first world kind of life, and which affords me the luxury of finding other ways to make the world a better place for others.  It's not enough, but it feeds the smallest corners of my soul and gives me hope that retirement will be more fulfilling.  But it's also precisely why the meme speaks so much truth in such a simple statement.  In a world where we're doing things that don't fulfill our souls or make the world a better place, and leave us at constant odds with our own human purpose, well, it is the straw that breaks the camel's back to work with people who seem numb to purpose, and immune to the impacts of "reaction" in their day to day work.  Stupidity in it's own right, becomes the action that doesn't recognize it's negative impact on the world around it.

Which leaves me with a final thought - I learned from a wise teacher when I was very young (before people thought "Stupid" was the new four letter word that could no longer be used in the English language) that "the difference between ignorance and stupidity was that ignorance could be erased with education.  Stupidity won't."  In stark truth, this lesson was taught in specific relation to racism and it's impacts at a time when the world rallied around South Africa and Nelson Mandella as they fought apartheid.  Quite apropos that it's the epiphany I have as tensions rise in New York and Ferguson in the United States.  If insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, then I'm not quite sure if Stupid or Ignorance is the reaction desired.  My guess is "stupid wins" and he who looks for a new solution to address the racists will move the needle further.  Protesting made a difference in the 60's and there were powerful voices that were silenced all too early.  Their sacrifices underscored the protestors' messages with the biggest yellow highlighter the world has ever witnessed.

Without inching into anarchy, in 2014 there has to be a different way to raise this and eliminate the issue once and for all.

Strife's an addiction

A lot of what you read in this blog is me trying to make sense of crap that seemingly keeps happening to me, and makes me feel like there's no progress to next steps.  Even when I forcibly take the giant leaps I need to take in order to make a difference in my life and improve my mental health, it's never an easy thing to do.  There's always 40 things surrounding it that make the simplest task or decision life altering, immensely stressful, and which ultimately make me feel like I'm beating my head against brick walls and fighting the forces of nature that will eventually crush me like a bug between its palms just for the fun of it.

*sigh*

It's true.  Life (particularly mine) seems to be riddled with endless examples of angst.  Strife.  A constant tug of war pulling on what I feel is my true purpose and calling, and what I'm stuck doing til I get the opportunity to do what I want to do every single day, and finally enjoy my existence without worry.  Can I get an amen?

Then I read this by Wil Wheaton.  I took up reading his blog WIL WHEATON dot NET about a month or so ago, and honestly have enjoyed it.  I read him regularly.  I was never really a fan of Star Trek, and am not "that sci fi, gaming kind of geek".  But I am a theatre geek.  AND, I am a writer geek.  And if I had all the money in the world, I would spend my time writing in my office, scheduled around the time I spent being a full time mom to my daughter, just like him.  I wouldn't be sitting behind a computer fighting insanely political, time wasting corporate battles for a bunch of drones who think they mean more than they do, and who can't pull two challenging ideas into a bigger picture to save their lives.

And I realized that the reasons I feel the angst I feel is because every day feels like a failed audition for that role I'm still not able to play.  Maybe what I'm forgetting or incapable of accepting, is that this is the dream.  This is the role.  This is the job I'm going to do - and when I finally get to retire dagnabit, no doubt I'll be babysitting grand kids or travelling, or goodness gracious, cleaning up after and cooking for that wonderful husband of mine whom I spent a decade or more of my life praying for and auditioning with other ill fated dates, until we finally met.

It all keeps coming back to this.  Wil Wheaton should not have to audition for roles to play - good grief, I wish I had his resume and noteriety.  And the fact that he is, well, I think says more about a ridiculously 2 dimensional industry than it says about him as an actor.  Either he loves acting so very much that it's worth the batting average heartache, or like me, he's still hoping, wishing and praying and trying really damn hard to be that thing he is not.  I should not be worrying about how to change careers any more than he should be.  I can dabble and write here any day I have a spare moment, and if I'm so inclined I can write elsewhere, anything I choose and at any time without the pressure of an editor or a publisher chomping and burning up my phone lines wondering where's chapter 11.  Eventually I'll be able to retire, and writing can be my priority.  Sorta like I always figured it would be.

But until then I have a steady and reliable income that supports my first and only real true love, my family.  Comfortably even.  It sucks, but what "job" doesn't?  In the grander scheme of things, the job is not who I am, and if I got my way today, I'd gladly change what I did all day, BUT, I'd do it for the enjoyment.  Not the cash flow.  So this is as it should be.  For me, and possibly him.  I'm going to stop believing that everything I do is with an aim to allow me more freedom to do the things that I want to do, cuz let's face it...it won't ever be that way til I'm not working for the man.  And instead, I'm going to believe more that they are the reflection of a person who is doing what needs to be done to allow my family the necessities and even possibly some of the wants they wish to be fulfilled.  That's a purpose driven life.

And maybe Mr. Wheaton can feel similarly.  That an audition is not a failure or a success, but rather time spent in crafting one's purpose.  And if it's something he loves, he can sustain it and remember that it's a process.  Or he can put it in perspective and realize (hopefully from reading this post), that he just changed someone's outlook on their own life by what he wrote.  And then maybe he'll realize that's a pretty awesome purpose in life to be blessed with.  And he's already infinitely more successful at this most beloved craft than I would dream of being.

And if in fact he does read this, then maybe he'll also get to this final observation - the greats in any art or science were always their greatest postmortem.  So, he should consider himself absolutely gifted (and I'm sure he does, but sometimes it's nice to be reminded) to be so well recognized for his art in his own lifetime.  He shouldn't be wasting his time auditioning for the awesomeness that is already his life.  Least of all feeling badly about an audition that didn't go his way.  And neither should we.

It gives people who don't matter waaaay too much control over things they know nothing about.