This morning, one of my worst parenting nightmares began to take shape in real life.
My daughter told me someone said she had a fat face. My 30 lb bone rack of a 3.5 year old beauty has been the brunt of fat jokes, and it's hard not to internalize it, blame myself, and curse the world that being fat is like the lowest common denominator - the worst kind of insult that could be thrown at anyone.
I have done everything in my power to eliminate the word fat from our household. Not out of denial, but out of a clear understanding that it doesn't actually represent the people it applies to. And clearly out of the hope that by taking away some of it's presence, takes away some of it's power, and hopefully allows me to raise my child in a way that develops an appreciation for all people, regardless of what they look like period. Full stop.
By all accounts, though I am morbidly obese, I'm pretty frigging healthy. I'm not diabetic. I've never had a heart attack. I don't have some of those other disorders commonly associated with obesity like high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I do have aches, pains and generally feel better when I'm lighter, but I'm one of those people who will never be 150 lbs. It's not in my genetic code to be that way.
I've taken every possible step to lose the weight, out of fear that my daughter would draw bullying based on the simple fact that her mother is fat. I know how kids are. I had surgery last year and have lost 40 lbs. The big win for me has been that I've sustained the loss. That's huge for a woman who seemed to be an ever increasing size without even blinking an eye. I cook 90 percent of our meals from scratch and limit our intakes of preservatives and chemicals...I'm wholly focused on making sure that the food that is brought into this house is generally healthy but also not otherwise punitive. And the reason I haven't lost more than 40 lbs in a year despite my surgery is that I'm keenly aware that I want to exemplify healthy, balanced and non-punitive eating behaviours for my otherwise very petite daughter. I'm aware with every bite that I take, she's getting either a message that will lead to her own potential eating disorders. So I'm trying very hard to lose the weight while being as "normal" as I possibly can be.
And still the thing I hear this weekend is that she has a fat face, isn't pretty, or she's drawing fat mermaids. And I can't stop it. I can only tell her that telling someone they are fat, isn't nice. That the other people saying she is fat are simply jealous, and they aren't worth her time or effort. But the voices have begun, and I have no idea how to protect my child from it and all the ripple effects of every single possible choice I can make.
I'm open to ideas though. While I'm praying that how I've handled it already has been the right way to do it.
PS. It was an oversight not to call out that part of my strategy in addressing this at home is about self love and body appreciation of all kinds. My response has been to guide her that all people are beautiful and have infinite value, no matter their shape, colour or appearance. But speaking louder than her peers and the little voices that are developing in her own mind is already proving to be a challenge. Fingers crossed I'm louder for a really long time...
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Cowards among us
I didn't comment yesterday because honestly, I can't find the words to truly describe how repugnant, disgraceful and hateful it is that someone would write a letter recommending that a mother euthanize her autistic teen, donating his non-retarded body parts to science (their words not mine). Nor do I really have the words to describe how sickened I am that people like that not only simply exist, but that they would exist in this country, and that they would so shamefully show their face in the world. While I have often said that I would wish no one real harm, I do have to confess that I wish this woman an opportunity to feel a similar wrath from a similar stranger. Unprovoked, unnecessary, and unbelievably horrifying.
As someone with friends and family who either have autistic kids or work closely to care for them, and moreover, just plainly as a parent, I'm dismayed by the heartlessness and evil of this letter.
And to lament to GOD even, I'm just appalled...and honestly that's an understatement.
In a show of support to my friend who has an autistic teen whom I've only ever been delighted to be in company of, I wrote the following:
I hope you know that all parents out there, of all children, who have any type of moral compass at all, are questioning the contents of that woman's character. Not because this story is about an autistic child, but because it is about any child at all. And I hope what you can see in that, is how far the advocacy and awareness generation that families like yours have gone to improve the situation for people dealing with autism has done so much good. It's never enough, there's always more to do, but know that this woman is an outlier and people aren't seeing autism the way it was once seen way way way back. With much love and support. I hope armies of parents, children and concerned citizens show this woman the error of her ways.
It's really the best I can do. No human being deserves this kind of treatment. NONE.
I do hope that armies of parents, children and concerned citizens unite to show this coward a mirror. I won't pray for God to do it. That's not enough. We as human beings need not to be vigilantes, but we most definitely need to be mirrors. We need to hold hands and drown out the sounds of idiots everywhere. Russian homophobic politicians, American homophobic politicians, religious fundamentalists in every single religion known to mankind.
Hateful people everywhere need to be put on notice that it can no longer be tolerated. That it will no longer be tolerated.
My love and support go out to those with children who have special needs of any kind.
My heart and my ire and my stiff upper lip are right there with you as you field this blow. Others like me have your back, and we will not rest until our children demonstrate the kindness every single person deserves.
That is how to be good. That is how to be Christian. That is how to be human!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Bullying culture - sports connection?
So, I realize I've been a bit quiet the last couple of weeks. They've been busier than I've seen it be in quite a few months.
The hours I usually have in the evenings to watch news and catch up on what my family has been doing all day was taken up in the kitchen - you guessed it...doing dishes. Amazing how long that takes to do by hand. Goodness gracious. Now that I have a new one in place and I can sigh a breath of sweet relief with the hope that once again I can find out what the weather is supposed to be, I can also reconnect with what's happening around me.
Last night, the Toronto Maple Leafs just barely lost game 7 of their first quarter final series in nearly a decade. I'm no avid sports follower, and sports news infuriates me beyond compare most of the time. But as my husband loves to watch his hockey, we've watched quite a bit of it. At the beginning of the season, it looked like there would be no hockey at all. A players strike chewed up half the season and resulted in a compressed schedule that started in January. It's suffice to say, the teams and players were under a lot of pressure, regardless of what team they played for, to win back the hearts of millions of fans in North America, and win back millions of dollars in revenue lost from the gaping hole of the first half of the season.
All teams did their level best to address the issues resulting from the players strike. I don't think a game was likely played without a real desire to push forward and win the best they possibly could. There really was more at stake this year than there have been in previous years.
Let's look more closely at the Leafs culture overall. The Toronto Maple Leafs haven't won a Stanley Cup since 1967. You could say this is likely the longest losing streak any team has ever experienced in likely any professional sport in all of history. Still, fans of the game and fans of the team have propped them up and made them one of the most profitable franchises in the National Hockey League. In fact, they sell the most expensive seats, and are widely known for dinging fans the highest price tags on merchandise. From a business perspective, they've been ridiculously smart to have leveraged the blind loyalty of the city and the fans who flock and watch them habitually, and from a familial sense of heritage.
The typical Leafs fan that I know, is really simply pleased to see the team win. They're not aggressive, and by in large, because of the steep cost of merchandise and concessions is just about sober. And beyond that, with the scarcity of publicly available tickets, a Leafs fan cheers for great saves, great goals and boos as politely as you could imagine a "boo" sounding for goals against them.
Quite seriously, any of the Leafs fans I know were stunned and amazed the team had gotten as far as they had making it just to the playoffs. Most would have put money on them winning maybe 1 game in the first 4 of the series. And they were all glued to their televisions as the series was tied up and then when it got to game 7, I can guarantee you millions of Leafs fans were secretly wondering if this could be the year we go several rounds. Every single one of them wished (absolutely silently for fear of jinxing anything) if this could be the miraculous year when this team, who has defied all odds and who have demonstrated the best skill of any leafs organization in the past 9 years, could actually be the team who delivered Lord Stanley's cup back to hockey central, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
Which brings me to the fall out of the observing "non-leaf" fan who was inevitably on the edges of their seats wondering if their team would have to be the next ones to meet them in Round 2. And if their teams were outright eliminated from the playoffs altogether, either they were watching the Leafs out of sheer curiosity in fact, maybe even the rubber necking instinct of simply not being able to look any other way, to see if this long time loser could make a good solid run of the playoff season. Could they really pull it off, and deliver what so many people have dreamed of seeing at least once in their lifetime? But there are a lot of hockey fans out there, of other teams who simply use these opportunities to talk about the Leafs, in witness of a die hard Leafs fan, in such a way that berates the team (unwarranted by most accounts) and moreover the fans who support them. Again, I have yet to meet a Leafs fan who is so belligerent that it requires that sort of proactive aggression from any fan of any other team. That said, I'm not naive, and I'm sure they exist. BUT, I have seen quite a lot of fans of other teams, be proactively ignorant, aggressive and belligerent in response to simply the sight of a Toronto Maple Leafs emblem. And therein lies my concern around the concept of bullying culture.
Where does well intentioned ribbing and "joking around" turn into vehement dislike or at best tolerance of someone else, on the basis of what sports team someone enjoys watching, regardless of their reasoning for choosing that team? My non-scientific, observer of life hypothesis is that it started in grade school when captains were chosen by the gym teacher and they got to pick their teams.
My husband recalls being at an Ottawa Senators game years ago and they were playing against the Toronto Maple Leafs. He wore his Leafs jersey, and recalls being berated throughout the game by complete strangers who were rooting for the Senators. He also recalls being hit once by a Sens fan, though I'm not sure if it was the result of ill natured banter that escalated. I read just a couple of weeks ago, how a similar exchange happened at a Senators game wherein a child was frightened by an exchange between Senators fans and a completely innocent bystander at a urinal, because he happened to be wearing the wrong jersey. In fact, just a short month or two ago, the actual franchise of the Ottawa Senators publicly requested that seat holders NOT sell their seat tickets to known Leaf fans. This has to be the epitome of exclusionary bullying tactics if I've ever seen it. It certainly blatantly promotes a sense of ire between the fans of two opposing teams.
Luckily, the friends in my circles are a little less in your face about things like this, but I noticed this morning some definitive statements that were bothersome. Some commented that their newsfeeds in facebook were clearly the battle ground between fans and that good natured jabs had in fact turned sour. And one other stood out above everything else I read, highlighting (and I'm paraphrasing because somehow it's been deleted) that it's "hard for the person to stand most leafs fans as it is, was glad they lost so that he wouldn't have to hear their smugness" and other statements that implied there would be "a riot for sure that would deface the CN Tower". I suspect it got out of control and perhaps that's why it's now been deleted. But my question is "What fans, and what smugness could the fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs have?" Seriously. The team is known for it's history of not making it far enough in any season to win a Stanley Cup, where others have long since won them, and several times in many cases. So what could be so smug about a Leaf fan that it draws ire? Perhaps it all boils down to legacy, heritage and loyalty that's unconditional. Really, at the source of all these rivalries is jealousy over one thing or another.
What it really makes me concerned for though, is how this is translating outside of the arena's, complexes and fields. If we understand that bullying and picking teams, berating, jabs, and teasing begins as young as preschool, this neanderthal behaviour of berating and degrading others for the team they happen to like is only reinforcing it in the most complicated and irreversible way.
I am not a parent who believes that kids shouldn't learn about competition. They in fact should learn all about healthy competition and how to use it to fuel them to improve themselves, to refine their skills, and to reinforce the lessons that practicing anything helps to deliver. Paramount of these lessons is how to be as gracious and good a loser, as you are a winner. This shameful behaviour is reinforcing precisely the opposite lesson, and it makes me rethink how I should be integrating my own child in the world of sports and competitive play of any kind.
Shame on you hockey fans. Shame on you. Please credit the Leafs for getting as far as they have done, and let them close their season with the dignity they have very well earned. Ensure you pay the same respect to the Montreal Canadiens who have more than once shown the world how skilled and talented they are. They too deserve your respect. The fans that support them equally deserve your respect for they are no different than you. Let's please all remember the golden rule, and remember too - that what goes around comes back around - and if you are a belligerent Ottawa Senators fan who has in fact commented on the behaviour of other teams or fans, do yourself a bit of good kharma work, and apologize. Make it right. Round 2 is underway, and it wouldn't be so great to hear about what gaffes, bad plays and poor behaviour you've demonstrated in your quest of failure.
The hours I usually have in the evenings to watch news and catch up on what my family has been doing all day was taken up in the kitchen - you guessed it...doing dishes. Amazing how long that takes to do by hand. Goodness gracious. Now that I have a new one in place and I can sigh a breath of sweet relief with the hope that once again I can find out what the weather is supposed to be, I can also reconnect with what's happening around me.
Last night, the Toronto Maple Leafs just barely lost game 7 of their first quarter final series in nearly a decade. I'm no avid sports follower, and sports news infuriates me beyond compare most of the time. But as my husband loves to watch his hockey, we've watched quite a bit of it. At the beginning of the season, it looked like there would be no hockey at all. A players strike chewed up half the season and resulted in a compressed schedule that started in January. It's suffice to say, the teams and players were under a lot of pressure, regardless of what team they played for, to win back the hearts of millions of fans in North America, and win back millions of dollars in revenue lost from the gaping hole of the first half of the season.
All teams did their level best to address the issues resulting from the players strike. I don't think a game was likely played without a real desire to push forward and win the best they possibly could. There really was more at stake this year than there have been in previous years.
Let's look more closely at the Leafs culture overall. The Toronto Maple Leafs haven't won a Stanley Cup since 1967. You could say this is likely the longest losing streak any team has ever experienced in likely any professional sport in all of history. Still, fans of the game and fans of the team have propped them up and made them one of the most profitable franchises in the National Hockey League. In fact, they sell the most expensive seats, and are widely known for dinging fans the highest price tags on merchandise. From a business perspective, they've been ridiculously smart to have leveraged the blind loyalty of the city and the fans who flock and watch them habitually, and from a familial sense of heritage.
The typical Leafs fan that I know, is really simply pleased to see the team win. They're not aggressive, and by in large, because of the steep cost of merchandise and concessions is just about sober. And beyond that, with the scarcity of publicly available tickets, a Leafs fan cheers for great saves, great goals and boos as politely as you could imagine a "boo" sounding for goals against them.
Quite seriously, any of the Leafs fans I know were stunned and amazed the team had gotten as far as they had making it just to the playoffs. Most would have put money on them winning maybe 1 game in the first 4 of the series. And they were all glued to their televisions as the series was tied up and then when it got to game 7, I can guarantee you millions of Leafs fans were secretly wondering if this could be the year we go several rounds. Every single one of them wished (absolutely silently for fear of jinxing anything) if this could be the miraculous year when this team, who has defied all odds and who have demonstrated the best skill of any leafs organization in the past 9 years, could actually be the team who delivered Lord Stanley's cup back to hockey central, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
Which brings me to the fall out of the observing "non-leaf" fan who was inevitably on the edges of their seats wondering if their team would have to be the next ones to meet them in Round 2. And if their teams were outright eliminated from the playoffs altogether, either they were watching the Leafs out of sheer curiosity in fact, maybe even the rubber necking instinct of simply not being able to look any other way, to see if this long time loser could make a good solid run of the playoff season. Could they really pull it off, and deliver what so many people have dreamed of seeing at least once in their lifetime? But there are a lot of hockey fans out there, of other teams who simply use these opportunities to talk about the Leafs, in witness of a die hard Leafs fan, in such a way that berates the team (unwarranted by most accounts) and moreover the fans who support them. Again, I have yet to meet a Leafs fan who is so belligerent that it requires that sort of proactive aggression from any fan of any other team. That said, I'm not naive, and I'm sure they exist. BUT, I have seen quite a lot of fans of other teams, be proactively ignorant, aggressive and belligerent in response to simply the sight of a Toronto Maple Leafs emblem. And therein lies my concern around the concept of bullying culture.
Where does well intentioned ribbing and "joking around" turn into vehement dislike or at best tolerance of someone else, on the basis of what sports team someone enjoys watching, regardless of their reasoning for choosing that team? My non-scientific, observer of life hypothesis is that it started in grade school when captains were chosen by the gym teacher and they got to pick their teams.
My husband recalls being at an Ottawa Senators game years ago and they were playing against the Toronto Maple Leafs. He wore his Leafs jersey, and recalls being berated throughout the game by complete strangers who were rooting for the Senators. He also recalls being hit once by a Sens fan, though I'm not sure if it was the result of ill natured banter that escalated. I read just a couple of weeks ago, how a similar exchange happened at a Senators game wherein a child was frightened by an exchange between Senators fans and a completely innocent bystander at a urinal, because he happened to be wearing the wrong jersey. In fact, just a short month or two ago, the actual franchise of the Ottawa Senators publicly requested that seat holders NOT sell their seat tickets to known Leaf fans. This has to be the epitome of exclusionary bullying tactics if I've ever seen it. It certainly blatantly promotes a sense of ire between the fans of two opposing teams.
Luckily, the friends in my circles are a little less in your face about things like this, but I noticed this morning some definitive statements that were bothersome. Some commented that their newsfeeds in facebook were clearly the battle ground between fans and that good natured jabs had in fact turned sour. And one other stood out above everything else I read, highlighting (and I'm paraphrasing because somehow it's been deleted) that it's "hard for the person to stand most leafs fans as it is, was glad they lost so that he wouldn't have to hear their smugness" and other statements that implied there would be "a riot for sure that would deface the CN Tower". I suspect it got out of control and perhaps that's why it's now been deleted. But my question is "What fans, and what smugness could the fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs have?" Seriously. The team is known for it's history of not making it far enough in any season to win a Stanley Cup, where others have long since won them, and several times in many cases. So what could be so smug about a Leaf fan that it draws ire? Perhaps it all boils down to legacy, heritage and loyalty that's unconditional. Really, at the source of all these rivalries is jealousy over one thing or another.
What it really makes me concerned for though, is how this is translating outside of the arena's, complexes and fields. If we understand that bullying and picking teams, berating, jabs, and teasing begins as young as preschool, this neanderthal behaviour of berating and degrading others for the team they happen to like is only reinforcing it in the most complicated and irreversible way.
I am not a parent who believes that kids shouldn't learn about competition. They in fact should learn all about healthy competition and how to use it to fuel them to improve themselves, to refine their skills, and to reinforce the lessons that practicing anything helps to deliver. Paramount of these lessons is how to be as gracious and good a loser, as you are a winner. This shameful behaviour is reinforcing precisely the opposite lesson, and it makes me rethink how I should be integrating my own child in the world of sports and competitive play of any kind.
Shame on you hockey fans. Shame on you. Please credit the Leafs for getting as far as they have done, and let them close their season with the dignity they have very well earned. Ensure you pay the same respect to the Montreal Canadiens who have more than once shown the world how skilled and talented they are. They too deserve your respect. The fans that support them equally deserve your respect for they are no different than you. Let's please all remember the golden rule, and remember too - that what goes around comes back around - and if you are a belligerent Ottawa Senators fan who has in fact commented on the behaviour of other teams or fans, do yourself a bit of good kharma work, and apologize. Make it right. Round 2 is underway, and it wouldn't be so great to hear about what gaffes, bad plays and poor behaviour you've demonstrated in your quest of failure.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Bullying - It starts at Preschool
So, I'm sitting here in the wee hours of the morning on a Saturday, when I should be resting my weary head and catching up on all kinds of zzz's. Instead, I've been tossing and turning, and my brain is whirring like a monstrously big Acme machine. You see, I'm still plagued by a problem my daughter is facing at preschool, and its now escalated to where my only possible next option is to take it directly to the other child's mom. I know it's already been taken to her mom by the teachers at the school, but my daughter's safety is in question, and all I can visualize is that she will be the one with a facebook page everyone in the country is going to check out after she's had a tragic accident at the tender age of 15....Just google suicide after bullying, and it's enough to make you ill how this is trending and you'll find your chin hitting your desk, shaking your head in dismay.
My God, suicide is the solution for a kid as young as 9 years old. Bullying is not like it was when I grew up. It almost seems like as hard as it was, it was so much simpler to deal with than it is now. We need new ways to arm our kids against it, and we need new ways to impact it even happening in the first place. And the major difference is technology. Bullying starts with the same physical things it used to. Name calling, shoving, hitting. But then it escalates. Kids get cell phones so that they can reach their parents at a moment's notice, but instead they get used to take incriminating photos or video. They become an instrument of the abuse. They become the access these kids use to polish off the evidence and extend their reach of infamy to broader audiences. It's how they grow their entourage. It's not like when the bullies I grew up with had to work hard to garner their respect. They didn't need to acquire each follower one by one. And they are no longer satisfied with a small posse. They need massive followings, Herds of sheep they can control. The age in which my daughter is growing up requires new responses and a new education. I for one can not even comprehend how this is starting so young. But it is. That is our reality, and this is when it starts, apparently.
At 4am this morning, I realized this is her future if I don't do something about it now. My daughter isn't even 3 yet, and I'm tackling bullying as hard as I've ever tackled it in my life, so that I can prevent this from happening. And as I write the letter out to the other girl's mother, I can visualize the mother's physical response. Shoulders hunch over. Her head sinks and begins to shake in disbelief as she reads it. Her body involuntarily sighs, not from relief, but from being so overwhelmed and disappointed. She takes a deep breath in and steels herself. Her spine stiffens, she raises her shoulders and sits up straight. Instead of accepting what's been written down and approaching it with calm openness, she is incensed and is now braced for combat. Outraged. How dare someone accuse her precious pocket of gold of being a bully? That's for teenagers. She's only in preschool dammit.
So knowing how this will be received my letter gets stronger. It points out how it's affecting my child - cya as I've learned in business, is critical. BUT, it's aim is to take down some of the brick wall defenses that have already gone up. Why is a two year old plagued by nightmares? Why is she talking about being hit every day, being called names, and dumping sand out of her boot as she recounts that it was sand that must have fallen in there when Amy threw it at her today? The more I write, the angrier I get and the more I want to throw up. It goes against every single instinct I have to leave my child in a situation where she is being bullied and is unsafe.
The letter continues to point out my next steps are to require a curriculum and a policy changeat the preschool to address bullying, and calls out that I'm teaching my daughter how to fight back. I want her mother on notice in case her precious piece of turd comes home with a black eye or whining that my child hit her. It goes on to say that if things don't get resolved, that I'll formally request her child be expelled.
My first instinct is to remove my own child. But that doesn't send the right message to anyone, and for God's sake, my child is not the problem.
I'm sure something is "off" at home. No child comes into this world so corrupted that their instinct is to target a smaller, younger person and make a punching bag out of them. They learn it at home first. When I was young, I was the one who fought for the under dogs. I protected my baby brother fiercely, just as I'd protect others who were picked on. What I want to do is grab this kid by the scruff of her neck and put her in check. But as we get older and have children of our own, this becomes impossible. It's taboo. That's someone else's child and disciplining them is someone else' responsibility and obligation. I'd like to say that I wish there were thresholds where other people could intervene when it's not being done well enough, but I can't say who I'd want to make that decision, nor would I want that unilateral responsibility.
At the end of the day, the only thing that is wrong here is that one person, the smaller, weaker one with far less experience, is being attacked regularly without provoking it. I'm at my wits end, and I have to protect numero uno. And if it comes down to it, if my only feasible option is to move my child, I'll do it. I have to hope it won't come to that, because I honestly don't like all the potential scenarios that unfold in that particular solution either.
And it all still feels like this is just so wrong to be cropping up in a preschool. My God, why don't people parent their children?
My God, suicide is the solution for a kid as young as 9 years old. Bullying is not like it was when I grew up. It almost seems like as hard as it was, it was so much simpler to deal with than it is now. We need new ways to arm our kids against it, and we need new ways to impact it even happening in the first place. And the major difference is technology. Bullying starts with the same physical things it used to. Name calling, shoving, hitting. But then it escalates. Kids get cell phones so that they can reach their parents at a moment's notice, but instead they get used to take incriminating photos or video. They become an instrument of the abuse. They become the access these kids use to polish off the evidence and extend their reach of infamy to broader audiences. It's how they grow their entourage. It's not like when the bullies I grew up with had to work hard to garner their respect. They didn't need to acquire each follower one by one. And they are no longer satisfied with a small posse. They need massive followings, Herds of sheep they can control. The age in which my daughter is growing up requires new responses and a new education. I for one can not even comprehend how this is starting so young. But it is. That is our reality, and this is when it starts, apparently.
At 4am this morning, I realized this is her future if I don't do something about it now. My daughter isn't even 3 yet, and I'm tackling bullying as hard as I've ever tackled it in my life, so that I can prevent this from happening. And as I write the letter out to the other girl's mother, I can visualize the mother's physical response. Shoulders hunch over. Her head sinks and begins to shake in disbelief as she reads it. Her body involuntarily sighs, not from relief, but from being so overwhelmed and disappointed. She takes a deep breath in and steels herself. Her spine stiffens, she raises her shoulders and sits up straight. Instead of accepting what's been written down and approaching it with calm openness, she is incensed and is now braced for combat. Outraged. How dare someone accuse her precious pocket of gold of being a bully? That's for teenagers. She's only in preschool dammit.
So knowing how this will be received my letter gets stronger. It points out how it's affecting my child - cya as I've learned in business, is critical. BUT, it's aim is to take down some of the brick wall defenses that have already gone up. Why is a two year old plagued by nightmares? Why is she talking about being hit every day, being called names, and dumping sand out of her boot as she recounts that it was sand that must have fallen in there when Amy threw it at her today? The more I write, the angrier I get and the more I want to throw up. It goes against every single instinct I have to leave my child in a situation where she is being bullied and is unsafe.
The letter continues to point out my next steps are to require a curriculum and a policy changeat the preschool to address bullying, and calls out that I'm teaching my daughter how to fight back. I want her mother on notice in case her precious piece of turd comes home with a black eye or whining that my child hit her. It goes on to say that if things don't get resolved, that I'll formally request her child be expelled.
My first instinct is to remove my own child. But that doesn't send the right message to anyone, and for God's sake, my child is not the problem.
I'm sure something is "off" at home. No child comes into this world so corrupted that their instinct is to target a smaller, younger person and make a punching bag out of them. They learn it at home first. When I was young, I was the one who fought for the under dogs. I protected my baby brother fiercely, just as I'd protect others who were picked on. What I want to do is grab this kid by the scruff of her neck and put her in check. But as we get older and have children of our own, this becomes impossible. It's taboo. That's someone else's child and disciplining them is someone else' responsibility and obligation. I'd like to say that I wish there were thresholds where other people could intervene when it's not being done well enough, but I can't say who I'd want to make that decision, nor would I want that unilateral responsibility.
At the end of the day, the only thing that is wrong here is that one person, the smaller, weaker one with far less experience, is being attacked regularly without provoking it. I'm at my wits end, and I have to protect numero uno. And if it comes down to it, if my only feasible option is to move my child, I'll do it. I have to hope it won't come to that, because I honestly don't like all the potential scenarios that unfold in that particular solution either.
And it all still feels like this is just so wrong to be cropping up in a preschool. My God, why don't people parent their children?
Monday, April 8, 2013
it's a new dawn, It's a new day, it's a new life
So birthday festivities are over and being forty is still no big deal. Everyone who came this weekend knew about my surgery and was asking how I was feeling - I think they were all surprised to see me as chipper and energetic and lively as I was. If I've said it once, I've said it 30 times now. I feel better today, than I did this time last year.
When you make the decision to pursue weight loss surgery, the notion that it would be an easy out or an easy decision, is as ludicrous as red rain. NO ONE approaches this quickly and without serious reservations. It's not natural to admit defeat. It's also not economically sound. Any investment in one's self is a good one, but when diet alone is the end goal, it's not like people just have $16K just lying around. And I think when other people look in at this, they expect to see desperation, deathly pale skin and sallow faces. They expect to see someone near their ends, rather than someone on the mend. That's probably because fat people never complain about being fat.
They complain about skinny people being idiots. They complain about skinny people not understanding, and companies not being smart enough to accommodate their clients. They complain things may not fit right, or that the world is not made for them, and they'll tell you straight up that fat is not a choice. And they're 100% right. Well, except for the idiot part. But, no one understands the life of a fat person, til they are one. It's a little like being black or gay I imagine. Until you are what you're supposed to empathize with, well, then the empathy is wasted.
As I was putting this article together, I honestly googled these words "image fat people", and what resulted were pages and pages worth of links to sites where people are bullied and pasted up as jokes. There is not a serious fat photo out there? They are all "hilariously funny photos" of people who are easy targets and blatantly pointed out as jokes. It makes me feel sad and appalled. And for that very reason, there will be absolutely no photos in this post.
So, it was a huge non-scale victory for me this weekend, to tell people I was doing great, to show off my scars and to reassure the world that 40 felt awesome. Especially as compared to how 39 felt. Can you imagine that?
And the best gift I received was having my closest friends and family here to share it with me. No part of this event in my life was about the tangible. It was fully and completely about living it. And for that reason, there's nary a photo of the party either. Because this weekend's lesson to me was, you can be in pictures or you can live the moment. I had too much fun living this weekend, and to run up the stairs to dig out the camera and ask someone to take the photos for me would have meant another lost moment.
And that means...I just succeeded in my mission. My purpose in having this surgery was not about watching a number on the scale. While that's a big measure, it's not my success indicator. I want the chance to see my child grow up and have kids of her own. I want the chance to live life to the max and enjoy all this stuff I worked so hard to get. This weekend marked the very first step of that very awesome journey...It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...and I'm stoked!
When you make the decision to pursue weight loss surgery, the notion that it would be an easy out or an easy decision, is as ludicrous as red rain. NO ONE approaches this quickly and without serious reservations. It's not natural to admit defeat. It's also not economically sound. Any investment in one's self is a good one, but when diet alone is the end goal, it's not like people just have $16K just lying around. And I think when other people look in at this, they expect to see desperation, deathly pale skin and sallow faces. They expect to see someone near their ends, rather than someone on the mend. That's probably because fat people never complain about being fat.
They complain about skinny people being idiots. They complain about skinny people not understanding, and companies not being smart enough to accommodate their clients. They complain things may not fit right, or that the world is not made for them, and they'll tell you straight up that fat is not a choice. And they're 100% right. Well, except for the idiot part. But, no one understands the life of a fat person, til they are one. It's a little like being black or gay I imagine. Until you are what you're supposed to empathize with, well, then the empathy is wasted.
As I was putting this article together, I honestly googled these words "image fat people", and what resulted were pages and pages worth of links to sites where people are bullied and pasted up as jokes. There is not a serious fat photo out there? They are all "hilariously funny photos" of people who are easy targets and blatantly pointed out as jokes. It makes me feel sad and appalled. And for that very reason, there will be absolutely no photos in this post.
So, it was a huge non-scale victory for me this weekend, to tell people I was doing great, to show off my scars and to reassure the world that 40 felt awesome. Especially as compared to how 39 felt. Can you imagine that?
And the best gift I received was having my closest friends and family here to share it with me. No part of this event in my life was about the tangible. It was fully and completely about living it. And for that reason, there's nary a photo of the party either. Because this weekend's lesson to me was, you can be in pictures or you can live the moment. I had too much fun living this weekend, and to run up the stairs to dig out the camera and ask someone to take the photos for me would have meant another lost moment.
And that means...I just succeeded in my mission. My purpose in having this surgery was not about watching a number on the scale. While that's a big measure, it's not my success indicator. I want the chance to see my child grow up and have kids of her own. I want the chance to live life to the max and enjoy all this stuff I worked so hard to get. This weekend marked the very first step of that very awesome journey...It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...and I'm stoked!
Friday, March 22, 2013
The Popularity Contest
A fine actor once said "Life is like a box of chocolates." The underlying message is that you never know what you're going to find inside til you bite into it.
That actor was quite right in a lot of ways...but in a lot of ways he was so, so very wrong.
Life is about the never ending popularity contest. It's no wonder so many of us have issues with our mental health. The hamster wheel that is this thing called popularity is pretty freaking exhausting.
When we're kids, it's all about how many friends we have. EVERYONE we know is our BFF. Then as we get into highschool, BFF's seem to change with the season, but it's all about having the RIGHT friends. You know, those friends who don't necessarily impress your parents, but sure as hell command all the desired kinds of attention from your peers. And then as we get into college, university or we start working, we all seem to delude ourselves into thinking "whew. At least now we can be ourselves, and not worry so much about what other people think of us." We know who we are, we know who our closest peeps are, and we're perfectly comfortable with not having to reach and manipulate our lives to fit in with the RIGHT crowd. Bullying miraculously stops right? And the feelings of inadequacy, well, they are a page in our history books, right?
Until we find out, that's not so much the case. Then the profs are too judgemental of your work, or your boss just doesn't like you and well, he's in a position to make you pay for whatever off the cuff thing you must have done when you weren't even looking, for a good long time. Yeah - at least highschool only lasted four years. Some jobs last a lifetime.
And then there's the people you work with. They're all seemingly on this race to be most adored by management, well because if you're the most adored and respected member of the team, well, then you get all the perks of annual raises, particularly high bonuses, and promotions. The brass ring can be yours if the right person takes a shine to you. And if that's not bad enough, let's look at how parents transfer that onto their children. Reality is, there is no greater popularity contest in adulthood that is more pervasive than the one between the most perfect stay at home moms and the mom's who also work outside the home. A working mom more often than not feels woefully inadequate because she misses so much...and it would be a cold day in hell to find a stay at home mom who doesn't relish in reminding that working mom that she didn't miss it.
Who the hell said bullying and popularity contests were for teenagers? I so wish it were. I think the world would need a lot less antidepressants if we let it go with our teens.
For the most part, I'm pretty good about not comparing myself to others. I fail at this miserably sometimes, and I'm certainly not perfect, but as I'm fast approaching my 40th birthday, I'm coming to be very aware of when I do compare myself to others, or feel woefully inadequate at something. I also notice that I'm more adamant than ever to do things without the aids of networks of people or votes, or that whole social media netting that helps people bolster their self esteem in extremely superficial ways. I don't need 300 friends in facebook, and I really don't need a pile of work colleagues knowing what I do or say in my private life. I also don't need to depend on my friends to socialize my writing. I'm working hard at this to both better my sense of self, improve my mental health and earn my readership full stop on the merits of what I'm messaging. I want people to find me organically. I want them to share my words with absolute sincerity. I don't want to have 300 of my closest personal friends tell their other 300 closest friends to read me...please...so I can feel you know...more liked and successful. As a result, none of them even know about this blog. Not even my husband knows about it. This is 100%, unedited and completely me. If people follow along and share me with their friends, well, that's a success I can be fully proud of.
In a way, I suppose it's one of those things I'm doing to maintain my mental health. In this space, I'm competing only against myself. This way, it's not a popularity contest, it's about craft, thoughts, and leadership of ideas. It's about being me, rather than finding my way in or out of some community.
How do you deal with the desire to fit in v. be yourself? Are you on that hamster wheel, praying someone asks you to sit at the cool kids table in life's cafeteria?
That actor was quite right in a lot of ways...but in a lot of ways he was so, so very wrong.
Life is about the never ending popularity contest. It's no wonder so many of us have issues with our mental health. The hamster wheel that is this thing called popularity is pretty freaking exhausting.
When we're kids, it's all about how many friends we have. EVERYONE we know is our BFF. Then as we get into highschool, BFF's seem to change with the season, but it's all about having the RIGHT friends. You know, those friends who don't necessarily impress your parents, but sure as hell command all the desired kinds of attention from your peers. And then as we get into college, university or we start working, we all seem to delude ourselves into thinking "whew. At least now we can be ourselves, and not worry so much about what other people think of us." We know who we are, we know who our closest peeps are, and we're perfectly comfortable with not having to reach and manipulate our lives to fit in with the RIGHT crowd. Bullying miraculously stops right? And the feelings of inadequacy, well, they are a page in our history books, right?
And then there's the people you work with. They're all seemingly on this race to be most adored by management, well because if you're the most adored and respected member of the team, well, then you get all the perks of annual raises, particularly high bonuses, and promotions. The brass ring can be yours if the right person takes a shine to you. And if that's not bad enough, let's look at how parents transfer that onto their children. Reality is, there is no greater popularity contest in adulthood that is more pervasive than the one between the most perfect stay at home moms and the mom's who also work outside the home. A working mom more often than not feels woefully inadequate because she misses so much...and it would be a cold day in hell to find a stay at home mom who doesn't relish in reminding that working mom that she didn't miss it.
Who the hell said bullying and popularity contests were for teenagers? I so wish it were. I think the world would need a lot less antidepressants if we let it go with our teens.
For the most part, I'm pretty good about not comparing myself to others. I fail at this miserably sometimes, and I'm certainly not perfect, but as I'm fast approaching my 40th birthday, I'm coming to be very aware of when I do compare myself to others, or feel woefully inadequate at something. I also notice that I'm more adamant than ever to do things without the aids of networks of people or votes, or that whole social media netting that helps people bolster their self esteem in extremely superficial ways. I don't need 300 friends in facebook, and I really don't need a pile of work colleagues knowing what I do or say in my private life. I also don't need to depend on my friends to socialize my writing. I'm working hard at this to both better my sense of self, improve my mental health and earn my readership full stop on the merits of what I'm messaging. I want people to find me organically. I want them to share my words with absolute sincerity. I don't want to have 300 of my closest personal friends tell their other 300 closest friends to read me...please...so I can feel you know...more liked and successful. As a result, none of them even know about this blog. Not even my husband knows about it. This is 100%, unedited and completely me. If people follow along and share me with their friends, well, that's a success I can be fully proud of.
In a way, I suppose it's one of those things I'm doing to maintain my mental health. In this space, I'm competing only against myself. This way, it's not a popularity contest, it's about craft, thoughts, and leadership of ideas. It's about being me, rather than finding my way in or out of some community.
How do you deal with the desire to fit in v. be yourself? Are you on that hamster wheel, praying someone asks you to sit at the cool kids table in life's cafeteria?
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Throwing Stones
I try to live a simple life. And by simple I mean that I try to keep to myself, stay within reasonable boundaries of people, and I truly try to live most of my life without casting unfair dispersion against people who honestly don't deserve them, because when all is said and done, I've been the recipient of far more than enough of various dispersions myself. So much so, that over time, as my depression and anxiety took root, it has rooted in a space of my mind where the little voice says "you're not good enough". In truth, I'm just as "good at anything and everything" as the rest of the world is, and there have to be one or two things that I'm better at than other people. But the voice in my head is loud. It's been nurtured and fed by the thousands of other outside voices who screamed it at me, whispered it behind my back, and who stabbed me with them whenever the opportunity struck. Most of those people didn't even realize that this was the result of those thoughts, looks, snide remarks.
And that's not to say that I'm the victim of bullying, or what we now view as "bullying" behaviour. Then again, I know now that really all of it is bullying. But when I was growing up, it was more about taking your licks and learning to get past or overcome them. When I was real young, I was bigger than the other kids. I grew fast. I wasn't fat, but stocky. I wasn't inactive. I was always busy and playing. But I'd be picked on. Luckily for me, it would only be once or twice, and then I'd fight back. My baby brother was picked on too. He had big front teeth and a significant overbite. I'd say comparatively, he took more than I did, but I do recall stepping in a couple times on his behalf too. I recall that I took down a couple Grade 4 students for this kind of thing when he was in kindergarten...I was in Grade 2.
As I moved into highschool, I found myself with friends in all the different cliques. I got busy with the theatre group, and ate lunch with a different group of people every day. This meant that I was no real outcast, but I never wholly belonged to one group. And that meant I would more often than not be forgotten for different parties, left out of different social things. It meant that I had to find and make my own drum beat, because well, no one else's fit entirely. And that also meant that I never felt good enough to fit in with any one group. Any grown up would have looked at this and thought, good for her, she's doing her own thing. But that's not really what you want when you're a teenager. In fact, it's never something you really want when you're a grown up either. It's isolating. It leads to a whole lot of navel gazing.
What it inevitably returns though is this acute awareness of what other people do, why and how. When you live on the fringe of nearly every socially acceptable pocket of people, you become a very keen observer. You not only make an art out of living vicariously through others, but you also learn how to benefit from other people's mistakes. And so, when it comes to casting judgments on others, I try very hard to think first how I would have done things differently. In some cases, that means I can be extremely harsh on other people. And in many other cases, it means I can be way softer than people often expect.
That's never to say I'm perfect. Far from it. But I can be very critical of people, because I'm as hard on them, as I am on myself. So recently I've been reading a blog that I really do like. She calls it like she sees it, and very often we agree. But she brought my focus recently to two separate issues and between her reviews of the situations and the resulting comments, I've had a lot to digest. Here are my thoughts:
Honey Boo Boo - has her own tv show which is a spin off of the TLC show Toddlers & Tiaras. Now often I've thought how easily I could have gotten my own daughter into modelling as a baby, and then shows like Toddlers & Tiaras, and now Honey Boo Boo, have ultimately reminded me why my husband and I said "no way, never, over our dead bodies".
And the photos of Peaches Geldof who has been captured on film stumbling the baby carriage on a sidewalk and criticized for not dropping her phone to collect her child, never mind the criticisms that ensue spiralling from this story to her fashion choices (like that has anything to do with the price of tea ANYWHERE). The argument being made is largely that she cares more for the expensive phone, and by implication designer cut off jean shorts and great shoes) than for her child. Peaches is the daughter of Bob Geldof (musician and political activist) and Paula Yates who died tragically of a drug overdose when Peaches was a young child. In all honesty, I didn't know this person existed until the article on PIWTPITT. And I can tell you I've thought of her father only when he's been referenced for being a pain in the ass whack job.
BUT, the things I'm most unimpressed with isn't the people in the show, how they are raising their children or whether or not they slap a pile of make up on their kid. It's that TLC is making money from pitching people as lunatic fringe folk for gawking and general revelry at someone else's (a child's no less) expense. And that news giants like the Huffington Post actually report about a nobody's clumsy gaffe, again for the purposes of profit and admonishment by the general public, all under the pretense that it's what we want. I think it's reprehensible and I'm taking ill to the idea that we as a consuming public actually do want to see this shite.
In both those situations, I think to myself, if it meant feeding my family, or making sure my child had an option to go to college, I'd do everything short of damaging her odds. If that meant whoring myself out somewhere, or eating shit off a street corner, I'd bloody well do it. AND, I make a note of my own clumsiness, and my daily gaffes and I realize I can not criticize someone for not thinking to drop the phone, or laughing at my child when she says something rather adult. Every mealtime is a new adventure for me, because it's a never ending battle to get through one without spilling food on my shirt. I've knocked over a full cups of iced tea on my new born and felt absolutely dreadful about it for 2 years. I've definitely dropped the phone to address my child in a moment of crises or stumbling accident, but it's never been without doing what comes naturally and saying abruptly "Call you back" and hitting the end button. I'm a human being. Over the years, I've been conditioned to elicit certain responses, just like every single person out there. So much of our lives are instinctual, habitual. No one, and I mean no one, has the right to assume superiority over anyone else based on what happens in a split second of time.
So, do I agree with what Honey Boo Boo's parents are doing by contracting with TLC: categorically no I do not. I think that does way too much harm to their child's future than it prevents. BUT, I'm not the person to judge that. They are. And, for what it's worth, maybe it is their best shot at giving their child a hopeful future. I think it's a shot at outrageous therapist bills to wade through and identify the precise moment when a child lost the respect of her country and the world at large and pinpoint why she never feels good enough at anything or worthy of anyone's unconditional love. But that's me. What I CAN judge is TLC for feeding the world crap, and disrespecting it own heritage as a network that promotes learning for the sake of profits. It should simply change it's name. It won't change my judgement of them, but it will better reflect their goals with shows like these.
Looking at this last picture of Peaches and how she is holding her child to coddle it and solace it, the comments I've read are all about the phone that's attached to her damn ear. What I see is a woman who is probably going to beat herself up for the rest of her life feeling like a failure for that split second reaction, for letting it all happen in the first place, and God forbid, for all the nastiness other people have slung at her ever since.
To conclude, people in glass houses should never cast a stone in any direction. We all make mistakes and gaffes and have things that embarrass us daily. TLC and the Huffington Post and all those commentors who have holier than thou dispersions and judgements to throw off have a day of reckoning coming to them. It's debate-able if I will then be able to find anything with which to empathize when that inevitably happens.
And that's not to say that I'm the victim of bullying, or what we now view as "bullying" behaviour. Then again, I know now that really all of it is bullying. But when I was growing up, it was more about taking your licks and learning to get past or overcome them. When I was real young, I was bigger than the other kids. I grew fast. I wasn't fat, but stocky. I wasn't inactive. I was always busy and playing. But I'd be picked on. Luckily for me, it would only be once or twice, and then I'd fight back. My baby brother was picked on too. He had big front teeth and a significant overbite. I'd say comparatively, he took more than I did, but I do recall stepping in a couple times on his behalf too. I recall that I took down a couple Grade 4 students for this kind of thing when he was in kindergarten...I was in Grade 2.
As I moved into highschool, I found myself with friends in all the different cliques. I got busy with the theatre group, and ate lunch with a different group of people every day. This meant that I was no real outcast, but I never wholly belonged to one group. And that meant I would more often than not be forgotten for different parties, left out of different social things. It meant that I had to find and make my own drum beat, because well, no one else's fit entirely. And that also meant that I never felt good enough to fit in with any one group. Any grown up would have looked at this and thought, good for her, she's doing her own thing. But that's not really what you want when you're a teenager. In fact, it's never something you really want when you're a grown up either. It's isolating. It leads to a whole lot of navel gazing.
What it inevitably returns though is this acute awareness of what other people do, why and how. When you live on the fringe of nearly every socially acceptable pocket of people, you become a very keen observer. You not only make an art out of living vicariously through others, but you also learn how to benefit from other people's mistakes. And so, when it comes to casting judgments on others, I try very hard to think first how I would have done things differently. In some cases, that means I can be extremely harsh on other people. And in many other cases, it means I can be way softer than people often expect.
That's never to say I'm perfect. Far from it. But I can be very critical of people, because I'm as hard on them, as I am on myself. So recently I've been reading a blog that I really do like. She calls it like she sees it, and very often we agree. But she brought my focus recently to two separate issues and between her reviews of the situations and the resulting comments, I've had a lot to digest. Here are my thoughts:
Honey Boo Boo - has her own tv show which is a spin off of the TLC show Toddlers & Tiaras. Now often I've thought how easily I could have gotten my own daughter into modelling as a baby, and then shows like Toddlers & Tiaras, and now Honey Boo Boo, have ultimately reminded me why my husband and I said "no way, never, over our dead bodies".
And the photos of Peaches Geldof who has been captured on film stumbling the baby carriage on a sidewalk and criticized for not dropping her phone to collect her child, never mind the criticisms that ensue spiralling from this story to her fashion choices (like that has anything to do with the price of tea ANYWHERE). The argument being made is largely that she cares more for the expensive phone, and by implication designer cut off jean shorts and great shoes) than for her child. Peaches is the daughter of Bob Geldof (musician and political activist) and Paula Yates who died tragically of a drug overdose when Peaches was a young child. In all honesty, I didn't know this person existed until the article on PIWTPITT. And I can tell you I've thought of her father only when he's been referenced for being a pain in the ass whack job.
BUT, the things I'm most unimpressed with isn't the people in the show, how they are raising their children or whether or not they slap a pile of make up on their kid. It's that TLC is making money from pitching people as lunatic fringe folk for gawking and general revelry at someone else's (a child's no less) expense. And that news giants like the Huffington Post actually report about a nobody's clumsy gaffe, again for the purposes of profit and admonishment by the general public, all under the pretense that it's what we want. I think it's reprehensible and I'm taking ill to the idea that we as a consuming public actually do want to see this shite.
In both those situations, I think to myself, if it meant feeding my family, or making sure my child had an option to go to college, I'd do everything short of damaging her odds. If that meant whoring myself out somewhere, or eating shit off a street corner, I'd bloody well do it. AND, I make a note of my own clumsiness, and my daily gaffes and I realize I can not criticize someone for not thinking to drop the phone, or laughing at my child when she says something rather adult. Every mealtime is a new adventure for me, because it's a never ending battle to get through one without spilling food on my shirt. I've knocked over a full cups of iced tea on my new born and felt absolutely dreadful about it for 2 years. I've definitely dropped the phone to address my child in a moment of crises or stumbling accident, but it's never been without doing what comes naturally and saying abruptly "Call you back" and hitting the end button. I'm a human being. Over the years, I've been conditioned to elicit certain responses, just like every single person out there. So much of our lives are instinctual, habitual. No one, and I mean no one, has the right to assume superiority over anyone else based on what happens in a split second of time.
So, do I agree with what Honey Boo Boo's parents are doing by contracting with TLC: categorically no I do not. I think that does way too much harm to their child's future than it prevents. BUT, I'm not the person to judge that. They are. And, for what it's worth, maybe it is their best shot at giving their child a hopeful future. I think it's a shot at outrageous therapist bills to wade through and identify the precise moment when a child lost the respect of her country and the world at large and pinpoint why she never feels good enough at anything or worthy of anyone's unconditional love. But that's me. What I CAN judge is TLC for feeding the world crap, and disrespecting it own heritage as a network that promotes learning for the sake of profits. It should simply change it's name. It won't change my judgement of them, but it will better reflect their goals with shows like these.
Looking at this last picture of Peaches and how she is holding her child to coddle it and solace it, the comments I've read are all about the phone that's attached to her damn ear. What I see is a woman who is probably going to beat herself up for the rest of her life feeling like a failure for that split second reaction, for letting it all happen in the first place, and God forbid, for all the nastiness other people have slung at her ever since.
To conclude, people in glass houses should never cast a stone in any direction. We all make mistakes and gaffes and have things that embarrass us daily. TLC and the Huffington Post and all those commentors who have holier than thou dispersions and judgements to throw off have a day of reckoning coming to them. It's debate-able if I will then be able to find anything with which to empathize when that inevitably happens.
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