I'm such a softy

My husband kindly reminded me the other day that it's been too long since I blogged.  And he's right. My only response was that I feel like I have a voice that's not worth listening to at the moment.  I suppose it comes from the generic plights of being a mommy.  No one listens to mommy until they're old enough to appreciate how right she always was...that takes a lot of years before it kicks in, and I know it.

The only thing that's eating at me lately is that I'm such a softy.  It's only mid November and I've been a fuelled up crying machine, with tears pouring out of me at the drop of a hat.  Could be the toils we've been through as a nation recently.  Could be frustrations of motherhood, and stresses of wifedom.  Could be mounting stress and feeling a whole lot "less than" worth anything at work.  Could be just plain old gearing up for the holiday season, OR it could be Seasonal Affected Disorder.  Frig - this could be what menopause is like.

What I know for certain is that since I hit my first bout of depression, I'm a total softy.  I cry for anything.  EVERYTHING hits me right in the heart and like straight away.  I got depressed and the floodgates opened.  Welcome Niagara Falls.  My child pokes my rolls and snuggles into me on the daily basis and tells me how soft, and cuddly and squishy I am...and all I can think is, I used to be so tough.  I used to be impossible to hurt.  I used to be infallible.  Audacious.  Sophisticated and Bitchy (in the best possible way).  I was assertive.  I was, in short, pretty freaking amazing and independent.  A one woman hurricane on a gentle summer night.

And now I'm soft.  I've always been kind, but not to my own detriment.  My sacrifices were well balanced with self service.  Acts I carried out were usually mutually beneficial.  Now.  I give a whole lot, and don't ask/expect much in return.  But by the time I do ask for something, I've let it pile up and boil to the point where I'm ready to bust and the tears and anxiety are uncontrollable.

All this to wind up with the notion that I know I'm not lost.  I'm right here and I still know full well who I am and what I stand for.  My principles have not changed.  But I'm also aware that I'm older.  I care less for people's opinions and in swaying them, than I care about making the world a better place.  And who could argue that such a place in life isn't a better situation than simply being confident and audacious.  I'm still as independent as you could possibly imagine a woman being, but I would be lost and devastated without my family in my corner of the ring.  I guess the only real struggle this change in me introduces is in teaching my daughter how to be just that wee bit tougher and independent and confident when I, though confident and independent, am the first one fighting back floods of tears watching the Christmas parade, or the newest commercial/video online showing a soldier surprising his kids.

In short - I'm a sap.  Pass the syrup.

10 Ways to Live an Unapologetic Life - Says the Canadian

So, I'm sorry if this rubs anyone the wrong way, but there comes a point in I think everyone's life where they begin to feel like they do nothing but apologize for their very existence, and that my friends is how it feels when you begin on the downward funnel of depression.

You apologize for yourself until well, there's not much point in apologizing any longer, is there?  Then you start to feel absolutely nothing at all.  It's a void.  An abyss of nothing thank you very much.  Articulated in far better ways than I could ever dream of describing it, too.

But there is also a point in time where owning your life and your experiences and living for them is something you resoundingly refuse to apologize for.  Living a happy life means being unapologetic for living it.  Means that the things you do with purpose, are in fact purposeful and therefore don't require an apology when they offend someone or something.

1. Live with a clean and open heart.  You may regret being hurt by someone else in the process, but you could not truly apologize for being hurt.  And if you live with a clean and open heart, you'll have done nothing that requires an apology to someone else.
2. Humility is so much more than embarrassment.  True humility is about recognizing your smallness in a universe so large.  The pinnacle of achievement in humility is one where the people around you, recognize how you view your place in the world.  Not typically one you recognize in yourself.  The smallest footprint, makes the loudest boom.
3. Live with social purpose.  A purpose driven life for social issues makes room to focus one's activities in a way that ultimately keeps them out of trouble.  If you look at what you aim to achieve in your lifetime, and focus your energies on that path, anything you would have to apologize for along the way would be a result of true misunderstandings and not malcontent.
4. Have fun.  If it doesn't happen naturally, make it happen.  Have fun as often as you can.  Someone who is happy, isn't wasting time apologizing for much.
5. Laugh often.  Part and parcel of having fun, having a good laugh and smiling every day is indicative that even when and if you don't always mean it, there's hope in your life.
6. Hope for better.  I think a life without hope is tantamount to not living.  There's always something to hope for - worst case, you can hope for world peace.  It may be futile, but hope is a very powerful ideology, and it's honestly the only way society can change.
7. Chose your friends wisely.  A loyal and long time friend never needs an apology for the every day gaffes.  And it means that you can reserve an apology for when it's absolutely necessary and ever so clear that it's sincere.
8. Pick a good partner in life and stick with that partner for life.  Divorces and splits happen, and often it's the healthiest option a couple may have to choose from.  Picking the right partner then is pretty important.  The right partner in life helps you choose the right path every day.  They keep you grounded and they keep you out of the kind of trouble that creates necessity for an apology.  
9. Grip it and Rip it!  Don't waste precious time over-weighing risks and payoffs.  Sometimes if the risk is calculated and the reward is great, it's best to jump in with both feet.  A regret can often lead to an apology - even if it's to yourself.  
10. Have children.  Having a child puts all of this into perspective and helps you to get it aligned timing wise.  Having children makes you pretty humble, while allowing you to boast about the stuff that really matters.  Helps you hold back a bit more than you would have done pre-children, and makes certain that you're putting as much into this life, as you hope to get out.  This isn't intended to discriminate or put down people who are childless.  There are a million ways to "have a child".  I've even got a few young ones I've adopted into my heart that don't even belong to me.  As an umbrella concept, it means find someone or something that depends upon you for nurturing and/or for sustenance.  Find something you can be obligated to, that would limp along to survive when you are gone.  And love it like you've never loved anything before.

Love is the key - It sounds cheesy, and in some ways it really is.  But the only thing that can actually change the world we live in, and can change our lives for the better is love.  The investment we make in real unconditional love with ourselves and with the others around us ultimately makes us more well grounded beings, with lives which are pretty clean and content, and therefore unrepentant.