30% Awesome

So, I've been bad about posting, and that's probably because I've felt crummy.  I've felt so up and down over the past couple of months, that I'm afraid I'm back on my meds and I don't think I'll ever come off them now.

I struggle daily with feeling like I'm supposed to be sooo much more awesome than I actually have turned out.  Could be that Pinterest is responsible for me feeling so much the failure - there aren't enough hours in the day to learn and make all the things that inspire me on that site - but more than anything I think it comes from the execution or lack thereof of day to day tasks that seem to escape my capabilities.

My 3 year old challenges me at every single step - getting out of the house in the morning's is like trying to change the weather (in other words, it's impossible to leave on time).  Getting her to eat a meal is a never ending fight, and it's only because she's not willing to do as she's asked or expected.  Then she advises that it's "killing her" because well, she's repeating what I'm saying - her snail pace and her stubborness are often what I decry are "killing me".

Then there's work, and it's on one hand something I appreciate whole heartedly.  On the other hand, my ability to climb or move or change things up is extremely limited.  They want someone who can travel.  They want someone who will sing their praises.  They want someone who has already drunk the special koolaid and well, I'm afraid I tossed that cup before it even hit my lips.  And that means rot here and be happy about it, or find something else, and since finding another job is like well, trying to grow a new limb, I'm really trying hard to swallow my pride and rot with a smile on my face.  I'm not sure how long that will appease the powers that be, but it's my only game plan.  And even I know it sucks.

Which leaves me to wonder if I'll ever feel more than say 30% of the awesome I instinctively feel I'm supposed to be?  I'm less than the average person, in twice the average person's body, which brings me to the other thing I fail miserably at - weight management.  Add mood management to that I I feel about as infinitesimally small as a tick.

Which means I don't have a lot of wisdom to espouse at the moment.  I also don't have a lot of time.  I'm failing at all these things because I'm trying to make our Christmas gifts - my list is long, and I'm trying desperately to manage the hits to our pocket book this year by making as many gifts as I can.  I'd say roughly 50% will be handmade goodies and crafts...but all this takes every single spare second, and I started back in August.  I'll be working it right down to the wire.  It's keeping me awake at night.  The lists.  The lists of commitments made, the lists of things left to do, the lists of how I'm failing my kid, my husband...then the worries kick in, and it's about why my daughter does what she does, and am I handling it the best possible way - the answer of course is always no but I'll be damned if I can find something better.  AND then there's the millions of ways I'm failing my husband.  I want so much to make things better with him, and I'll say we're stronger than we have been in our relationship in over a year...but I have no drive, no interest and no time to invest and he suffers from it.

So when in doubt, give in right?  I guess I'll try to find a way to lower the bar of my own expectations and be satisfied with my 30% awesomeness.  Maybe one day, I'll come into my own all by a surprise.  I'll wake up one day and never look back because each and every day won't be the drudgery of same old same old...it will be one more day of freaking fantastic, or as my daughter says "it was a perfect day today"...well, maybe one day in the far off future, I'll feel that way too.

One day.

Friends

There have been a lot of things I've "missed" that I never intend to, and I am absolutely blessed that I have chosen some amazing friends who both understand this, wouldn't try to change it, and who love me and are there for me without fail.

We're about to host a friend of mine that I haven't spent any real time with in almost a decade.  We live thousands of miles apart, but I've thought about her just about every single day in that decade, and when we do chat, it's like picking up right where we left off.  The last time we spent more than an hour or two together, she came to visit me in the winter.  I had not met my husband yet, and she was a single mom to a very dependent 6 year old.  The separation between her and her husband had made him withdrawn and meek, and highly sensitive.  I was barely 30 and thought she was coddling him.  I owe her the deepest apology for my thinking this, and the deepest gratitude for not just lopping me off like a numb and bothersome appendage.

The woman makes me laugh til I cry and I won't be doing anything more than recalling her talk about her hippie days on a commune or visits to her redneck family in Mississippi.  I am so damned excited to see her, I'm about to jump out of my own skin - I don't even care if the house gets cleaned I just want her here like yesterday.

And when I think about it, I feel this way about every single one of my friends.  There's not one in the bunch that I haven't called a friend going on 15 years or more.  I recall a time when I thought that was just plain unheard of.  And when I look at the examples I had - my parents only long time friends really kinda stopped talking to my mom after my dad died because it hurt too much and then got awkward.  She would call them acquaintances now, despite the fact that I know through extended networks of people, they keep a watchful eye on all three of us.

So when you grow up and you place an extra concentrated effort on maintaining those relationships with friends who have children in roughly the same age group, you are naturally "picking their friends for them".  It's a part of growing up.  I have recently been able to connect with the daughters of the very friends my parents had growing up and in this way, we're really keeping the families together, or bringing them back together as it may be, through Facebook.

And I know in my heart that the friends I have who are engaged with my daughter, are being raised in a way that's closest to my own heart.  They're good kids.  Kind kids.  Because they're being raised by good, kind parents.

But then they stop being babies, these children of ours and start branching out.  Choosing friends for our children isn't easy...and helping them develop the skills they need to choose wisely and in some cases choose for fun, is insurmountably difficult.  Nevertheless, they start choosing their own friends.  I'm finding it absolutely curious to watch who she seems magnetically attracted to, and who she plays shy with or avoids.

Letting go of the control isn't easy ever.  Never ever ever.  But we can hope, through demonstrating the power of a chosen family being stronger than most would expect it to be, we can help show them the skills it takes.  A whole lot of trial and error unfortunately, and a lasting commitment to be as true to others as we are to ourselves.  That's what builds lifelong relationships.