I survived

My first fill.  I'd say it's a bit of a milestone.

I was immensely nervous.  It was a long drive because if you recall, a couple years back we chose a rural life.  These are the days when I feel like where we really live is on Green Acres, and it's one of those times when I wished for "the city life".

Anyway, 1 hour of rural traffic filled with old people on their quest to the "not so big" city, and wedging my very large truck into a very tight downtown paid parking space, was met by some very reassuring words by a very kind nurse like lady who didn't have to wear scrubs and wasn't all you know like uppity about my size.  She seemed sincerely and genuinely proud of my progress, and let me know I was making good food choices.

She poked me y'all.  She stuck a needle in my belly and made the opening to my stomach 1 fraction of a centimeter smaller.  All in the hopes that I could see more weight loss progress.  This was followed by an equally painful drive home, and the knowledge that I'd have to work my way back up to solid foods again, but it's done, and now I can see how the next four weeks rolls along.  This is a long haul thing, and I find it funny that the people around me are the ones most frustrated that my loss hasn't been quicker.  People expect miracles.  I'm so very glad in this instance that I wasn't one of them.

And this is what lead me to the epiphany I had today.  When you expect miracles, you find yourself begging the universe for them.  You need them, you cry out for them, you pray for them.  It's one of the ways that religions have indoctrinated the masses and have acquired their sheep.  It's the dangling carrot.

When you simply appreciate them for their coincidental timing and recognize the effort you yourself have put into creating them, you can simply enjoy them when they occur and as they are coming to fruition.

The miracle of my daughter being born was the result of a lot of hard work, a lot of emotional turmoil, a huge amount of weight loss, and well timed relaxation...

The miracle of my weight loss is the result of a well placed investment of money, effort and time, and equal amounts of support from my family.  I will get there, but in order to get there, it takes all these things.  Time.  Time.  And you guessed it, more time.

Chew on this

ahhhh.  It's wonderful you know.  The world of chewing.

The good news is that I didn't chip a tooth, and the food tasted great.  The trouble is that by the time you finish chewing your miniscule blueberry size bites, well, you're so dang tired of chewing, that really...you half wish you could go back and do really good purees.

Yes you heard me - I love cooking enough that the only way I managed to survive purees was by carbing them up a bit and adding a pile of flavour.  That meant though that while visually unappealing as they were, the taste made up for it.

So food was deeply missed over the last 3 weeks. and is being immensely enjoyed once more, but not nearly in the quantities it once was.  I often recall looking at what the recommended food servings were by the Canada Food Guides perspective, and thinking "Shyeah.  Right.  No normal human being that I know of eats that little and feels satisfied."   I wasn't wrong.  The quantity of food I ate before at any given meal wasn't abnormal or excessive.  My problem has always always always been the snacking in between.  It would be nothing for me to eat a full large bag of chips in a given day.  I'd start munching away at them in the morning while I toiled away on compiling metrics, crafting messages, and generating reports.  And then I'd have lunch, and get back into the swing of working, and if I didn't have any other meetings, and was busy working away independently, my hand would find their way back into that chip bag, and before long, it would be time to pick up my daughter and get started on pulling the family supper together.  The calories I piled in during the space between meals is what was killing me.  And worse even during peak stress times and when I was called upon to strategize a solution to a big issue.

Now, it's a guarantee that I'll be snacking.  I have to.  Because the meals I'm eating would make you cry if you saw the quantity of food they contain...well, that is, if you're normal and not already banded.  But the total quantity of food I'm going to have in a given day is going to be what a normal person would eat in just 3 hearty meals each day.  Or less even if I'm well behaved and choose wisely.  But I feel full.  And that is key.

The surgeon told me he wants his patients to feel about food, the way they feel about air.  You absolutely need it to survive, but it's so plentiful that you take it for granted, and don't think about where your next breath is going to come from.  I'm not sure the foodie in me will ever let go of some of the things food does for the human race that go beyond simple sustenance, but at the moment, I feel about as close to that as I could imagine being.  I'm craving salad.  I'm craving fish.  I'm craving non-processed food.  Because it will fill me faster.  Because it will fill me longer.  Because it won't hurt going down.  Because it's what my body needs.

I'll even tell you how I know this is all true.  I bought a bag of chips and dip when out shopping the other day, anticipating the glorious day when I could eat solid foods again, and indulge in some age old addictions. The twisted plan was to satisfy the immediate cravings, reward myself for having lost 30 lbs, reset my resolve and dig back into the regimen heading steadily towards the 60 lb mark.

I'm proud to say, that bag of chips, that container of dip are still untouched.  And I've been on solid foods now for 2 days.  There were bite size tortilla chips already open and a homemade dip in the fridge from a dinner guest we had over the weekend.  I had a slice of cheese pizza that was so disappointing, I wish I hadn't done it.  I've had a small amount of the tortillas and dip today, but yummy as it was, it's done really nothing for me.  I did enjoy my salad with deli roast turkey breast and shredded cheese.  I'm even jonesing for a fish/salad dinner tonight.  That's the stuff I'm eager to eat at the moment.

I feel loco in the cabeza for sure.  But I'll take this kind of crazy any day of the week!

The Home Stretch

So Friday I was whining about full fluids and thinking there was just no way I could hold out til Wednesday to start even purees.  I'm still frustrated beyond comparison, but I'm making it.  Just 2 more days of fluids and then I can at least start eating real proper food, mashed up.

I've bought a couple jars of baby food, but the reality is I never really used that many jars of baby food when my baby was eating from them.  I don't have oodles of time like I did when I was on mat leave though...so, I'll be whizzing up whatever my portion of veggies is for each meal, and using baby food when no one else is here.  I forget how much fruit and veggies she ate back then too.  She got her protein like she needed it, but I  am just remembering now how much her diet was plant based.

I'm still looking forward to that pizza though.  I can smell it.  I've already documented how this is still all on me.  No question about it.  But not having food for a month, and having lost more than 20 lbs, I think the best way to celebrate the introduction of whole food again, is to have me a slice of pizza.  A SLICE.  Not 2. Not 3.  Not 4.  1.  ONE.  And a huge salad.  I've never wanted salad so badly in all my life.

My bandages came off this weekend.  I ended up having some fluids leak from one of the incisions.  You would normally think "aaaah...this is not good."  But it's me.  I develop something called Seroma when I have surgeries.  This weekend couldn't even hold a candle to the holy crap scare I had after my c-section.  It seemed to have cleared itself up in a could of hours.  I did over due things late last week.  Hurt quite a bit on Friday night.  But I rested up as well as I could this weekend, and am now back on track.  I'm extremely tired, and could have taken a vacation day today, but there you have it.  I'll catch 40 winks as soon as I'm able to and be fully refreshed....right?

My daughter has been incredible about being gentle with her broken mama this last week and a half.  I can't wait until I'm down far enough in my weight to actually do something incredible with her.  She deserves it and sooo much more.

Happy losing everyone!