The past week has been quite the emotional roller coaster here. My husband has been violently ill, to the point of scaring me, and it's looking more and more like the reason for it is stress. I'm afraid of how much of the stress he's feeling is my own doing, but am also afraid not to intervene and try as hard as I can to pressure him to let up at work and let things start really breaking. I mean for real, break til they can't legally enforce any more.
I want to beg him to take a leave of absence, knowing that might cause him more stress than not doing it, and I want to beg him to put this house up for sale and start looking at trailer park solutions. I know we can't keep going the way we're both going forever.
Which brings me to my own work. It's making my eyes twitch and giving me a chronic migraine. Yep. I've inherited quite the crap storm and I'm left trying to sort it out, streamline it, fix it just so I can figure out a way to co-exist with it...all before I lose my own marbles, and need another crazy sabbatical of my own.
Add to this that last week I registered my baby girl for junior kindergarten and I'm left emotionally drained as a dried up grape. Only the raisin that's left is pretty bitter. She is sooo very excited to be going to big kid school, she even started doing her letters and numbers in high gear. She's already told me she wants to wear a dress on her first day of school, and daily she checks out their progress on her new school. You see her school is being built right at the end of our street, and that means she can watch as construction progresses...many days she can't understand why it's just not done already.
I on the other hand, as excited as I am to see her happy and diving in with both feet, am emotionally devastated at the thought that my last chances to be a stay at home mom have come and gone. Literally, there's no way, unless I was choosing to home school her, that I will have that "opportunity" to be the kind of mom I always wanted to be. I used to dream that I'd stay home with my kids til they were in school full time. Then I'd go back to work. And that was when full time school didn't start til kids were 6 years old. She's just going to turn 4 in June and will be going to school full time in September. Unless I win millions so that I can take the summer with her, this is never going to happen for me at all. It makes me all the happier that I was able to take the full maternity leave. It was worth chewing up 6 years of my retirement to take that year. Thank GOD I did that much. She still snuggles with me, and holds my face in her tiny hands and tells me that I'm a good mommy. And that fills me. And her stellar behaviour, politeness and caring for others shows me every single day that I'm doing right by her. But my god how I wish that I could have done this for her. Been a 100% visible, dedicated and fully attentive mommy.
Every kid deserves that. And every mom deserves to be able to do that for their kids without pushing themselves to the brink of death trying to be super mom, breadwinner, housekeeper, and CEO. Exhaustion kills...My husband and I, and our grey skin tones are virtual proof of this. I guess at least if we keel over tomorrow, our child will remember snippets of awesomeness, and will hear the stories of how we killed ourselves trying to give her the best we could. That's reassuring for kids, right?
In the meantime, my little monkey has become a butterfly ready to leap off the leaves and float through the sky. She's buoyant and light, and graceful, and sweet. This world is changing because she smiled at it. And she's about to be let loose, to get her footing and show the world what she's capable of. I'm infinitely proud of her. Of the person she is and the woman she will become. I'm so terribly sad I've not been able to soak up 1000% of her moments the last 2 years. And so thoroughly grateful for the hundreds of moments I've been given in place of them.