My world without strife is what I constantly aim to achieve. The trouble is, I don't think I could survive without some level of angst and strife. Something must always be at odds, pressing me to work through it, find an answer and overcome an obstacle so I can perpetually move onward and upward to this elusive point in my life where it's all about reaping the rewards.
When my child gets old enough to start talking about what she wants to be when she grows up, I think I may encourage her to wait to figure it out. Because as well as ambition has served me in my 40 years, it's also meant that I missed out on a lot of opportunities, didn't take all the risks that I could have, and am as stuck as any average Joe Schmoe without the payoff of really getting soul shattering fulfillment out of what I do.
I hit one of these cross roads this week again. Not just 1 week after telling a friend that I had every intention of living my 40's like I was already retired, do I find myself cursing and lamenting that I've been passed over not just for a promotion, BUT, for a lateral role expansion, AND the only opportunity I have to apply for anything else is really like shooting myself in the foot. Yes, you heard me right. I a long string of words that probably make no sense to anyone but me, I'm in the unique position of wanting more work, and wanting to feel retired all at the same freaking time.
I am sick. There is something uniquely wrong with me, I'm certain of it. And I don't think there's a medication in the world that could really address my issues. Not a coping mechanism, not a single narcotic. There is nothing...I mean nothing...in this existence that can appease the beast within me that strives for more, bigger, better, new. And I am honestly dumbfounded. Because it's not like I'm unhappy, or even dissatisfied with what I have. I am very fulfilled. I can't tell you why it's not enough, but it never feels finished. There's never a sigh of relief at a job completed and respite to enjoy the fruits of that labour. For me, it's one task conquered, next one on deck...and if there's not something else on deck, I am truly fearful of the void.
I don't know how or if it's right to "fix" this. Of course, maybe that could be the next thing on my deck of challenges. But I'm not even sure about how to approach it if indeed it is.
I'm literally open to thoughts, and ideas. In the meantime, every open second will be spent sewing, and growing, and likely groaning older.