Thursday, September 6, 2012

Super Woman Syndrome

I don't know if it's really a syndrome in some medical journal somewhere, but I sure know it applies to my world.

I'm living in the land of panic attacks and depression again, and it's about as rough as you could imagine.  Between things heating up at my work, and things hubby's work are an inferno, and our daughter's terrible two stage all has me peaking over the edge of a cliff and being secretly joyful for a bit of that kind of relief (metaphorically speaking of course).

Panic attacks for me are more severe than they have ever been before.  They used to make me feel claustrophibic, gasping for air and trying my level best to regulate my heart beat.  They felt a lot like when your blood sugars get a bit too low.  But now, there's all that PLUS, a sort of blanking out behind my eyeballs.  Like there's a discernible disconnect between my brain and what my eyes are registering.  Everything is blurred and slow motion.  There's also a disconnect between my ears and what my brain is registering.  I hear everything, but it's affected by that same cloudiness and slow motion that my eyes are dealing with, and both are coming at me like they're on different tape reels.

They are debilitating.  They scare the bejeebers out of me more than ever before.  I can no longer drive when I'm having them (I learned this with a close call last night), and that means I'm limiting my ability to cope with my parental responsibilities.

I'm no longer in a position where I can afford to take time off work.  I'm no longer in a position where I can take ativan as soon as I feel them hitting, because being incapacitated and asleep also does not make for solid parenting skills.  I'm meditating, breathing and rationalizing the hell out of these things, and I'm still struggling to manage the physical manifestations of the chaos that's hitting me in my life.

How the hell am I going to survive this?

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