Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Embracing and Accepting the Monsters

So over the holidays I had to dig back into an old stash of anti depressants.  It was that or wait 2 weeks for the doctor's office to open back up so I could wait another week or two for an actual appointment.

And while the impact was almost immediate and good, I had forgotten about the side effects.  I mean I remembered about the headaches and the dry mouth.  But I'd completely forgotten about the nightmares.  And I had some doozies over the holidays that really were rather terrifying and horribly detailed.

And it made me think that they may be a natural manifestation of the monster whose trying to take hold of my body when I'm battling depression.  Those nightmares are really the medications helping me beat the monster back and win the battle.  That's where the bloodiest battles are being fought for my mind.  And it became very clear.  When I get depressed, I seem to also get very angry.  Angry all the time.  Most of it is anger that I'm unable to control the monster without medications after a certain point.  And anger that I can't just wake up one day and feel better.  I get impatient because all I really want to do is hide away in a corner, and nothing and no one will actually let me.  Let's not forget that as a mother and a wife, there's a few pretty important people counting on me every single second of the day.

And so when the nightmares began, I was awfully sad.  It wasn't until I realized that this was me winning that I felt a shift.  I still have a ton of work to do to get better but I'm hoping I caught it early enough this time.  I'm hoping that when I do finally get into the doc that I can tell her that I'm already on the mend.  And if all else fails, at least there's hope.

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