One of the biggest hurdles I have with my condition and plainly with my instincts and very nature, is letting go. Letting things be what they are, accepting things for what they are, and moving on.
It's odd that this is a major hurdle for me. You would think that someone who likes open clear spaces and has spent the last 7 years purging possessions to live a less baggage riddled life would quintessentially represent the precise opposite of a clingy disposition. But, that's not honestly true. My efforts of purging have essentially been my process to clear the hurdles of hanging on to way too much. Not only that, but it was my way of trying to help my husband do the same thing. And with every single thing I purged, the lighter the weight on my shoulders got.
Between that and moving into a bigger space, it's been absolutely liberating to live a less cluttered life. That's why it's all the more devastating when the clutter in your mind begins to pile up again, setting off triggers, and driving you into a darkness that's hard to yank yourself out of.
I began reading A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle again. The reason I'm re-reading it is because I need to de-clutter my mind. I need a refresher on how to parse my thoughts, rationalize my worries, and find the inner calm that spares me from going back on medication. The one thing I hate about the medication most of all is that feeling of complete numbness. There's a huge difference between accepting life as it comes and not feeling anything at all.
In the opening chapters he explains that at the very core of the human condition is madness. He explains that there are several ways in which even our religion addresses "madness of the mind" so as to document it's presence and somehow "deal" with it. The underlying message is perhaps that to continue fighting it's existence, ignoring that it exists or treating it like it's a foreign contagion is absolutely futile. I can also extrapolate that perhaps because it has always existed that it serves a purpose in enlightening the human race; in awakening ourselves to something that is greater than ourselves. I'm really not one to follow dogma in any form, but I can say that I honest to goodness feel that this philosophy holds a great deal of truth and logic. And I think it helps me explain my penchant to speak my own theories/philosophies for all to hear. While I've said before that I'd love to be Eckhart Tolle, I know hardly anyone is listening or reading my thoughts. But I still think there's really something to be learned in this process of deconstructing my own mental health challenges. And even if I'm the only one learning it, at least I've worked things through in my own head somehow in as logical a fashion as I can imagine doing.
So my goal this week, as I get back into the swing of working after being on holidays, and dealing with the daily grind is to make every possible effort to let things be. Q'est Cera Cera. Hopefully that will allow me the head space to find stillness, calm and to meditate. Centre my thoughts on my soul and the energy within me so that I can brace myself and my daughter for our medical challenges this spring.